The Life Of Severus Snape
by Classical Gas
Summary: Very selfexplanitory title...Severus' thoughts on life from his point of view, but with my twists and turns here and there. it's set in marauder era. SSSB
1. Chapter 1

Hello random strangers who have wandered unknowingly onto this page. This is my first fanfic. I've been meaning to write one for ages but just didn't have the inspiration and, honestly, what's the point of writing a fic if it's going to suck?

Anywhoooo, I shan't bore you any longer than necessary:

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Didn't even pay for the computer I'm typing this up on.

Now on with the show!

Severus' POV (duh!)

Hullo, dearest audience. I think that an introduction is in order:

My name is Severus Snape. I am 15 years of age and currently attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I can currently speak five languages fluently and I'm learning a fifth. I can sing, but I've _never _let anyone hear me. I like muggle music, though my parents would kill me if they knew. My favourite subject at school is Defence Against the Dark Arts, and contrary to popular belief, I'm not really into the dark arts themselves. But you have to know what you're dealing with in order to protect yourself from it. On a more physical aspect, my eyes aren't actually black but just like my singing, no one knows. If I were to remove the charm that keeps them that way, my right eye would turn the most vibrant shade of blue-grey that you've ever seen and my left one would turn the most absurd shade of hazel with shards of green in it. I wear the charm because my father considers it an anomaly. What he doesn't know is that no one would ever notice if i did take it off because no one ever looks at me if not to insult me.

I suppose I ought to tell you a bit more about my...umm, personal life and my background before I break the really scary news to you. For starters, I'm a virgin. No surprise there, I know. But it's even worse than that; I've never gone out with anyone and I have the most awful feeling in my gut that I never will. I've never kissed anyone or been kissed (there's a difference?). And to top it all off, although I have never had any experience in the sexual realm, I believe myself to be bisexual (if not completely gay). Now, normally I'd be okay with this, it's not that big of a deal, but if my father ever found out...well, let's just say that a five year trip to Azkaban sounds nice in comparison.

Now, I'm sure that you are wondering where the devil I am coming at you from with all this information, but rest assured that there is a point to all of it. A point that you have no doubt understood by now. I am just a little queasy at the thought of actually formulating my feelings into words. But I've got nothing to worry about, right? My secret is safe with you, right?

...Well then, I'll just take that as a definite 'yes'. So here it is, my horrible secret is finally out in the open: I've fallen in love with my WORST enemy. My nemesis! I know what you're thinking; cry me a bloody river. But please keep in mind that everyone, especially the one that I love hates my guts and wants me dead. Perhaps I should be a little clearer with you (for those of you who are rather...feeble minded).

Sirius Black, the most gorgeous, sought-after being in the _universe_ is the one that I, the slimy, ugly, disgusting, greasy Slytherin, have taken a fancy to. **Now** do you see my problem?

It would be awkward though, if we ever got together. We could never go anywhere public together. Don't get me wrong, I know that the Wizarding world is very open-minded about homosexuality, but I can't help but wonder if he'd ever stand by me. (Not that I would ever blame him if he didn't, it's not his fault that I'm so hideous.) Everyone would constantly be hitting on him and he couldn't help but want someone good looking for a change- but that's all utterly irrelevant and I'm going to squash that fantasy before it goes too far and I actually catch myself making plans to tell the git how i feel. That beautiful, breathtaking git.

And sometimes, I swear I'm not just paranoid, but it just feels like he knows! Just the other day in potions class, for example, he and that stupid fat-headed Potter were working on the table in front of mine (I work alone) and he dropped his ladle on the floor. So he bent down to pick it up and I end up looking at his perfect, well-sculpted ass! Okay, it's a bad example. That one just makes me feel like a lecherous creep. But you get my point. Still, I know how you are probably starting to feel. Like this fraction of my thoughts are some random plea for attention-Well, it well is! Thank you very much for noticing. Contrary to what most people assume of my pastimes, I am not some ''emo'' freak who takes part in bloodletting and common masochism. I may have a high tolerance to pain, but it doesn't mean that I enjoy it. And I'm not some junkie weirdo who gets his kicks off of muggle (or wizard) drugs. So, you see, I need some other means by which to display my malcontent of the world. It seems that, as of late, being a dirty, sarcastic, bitter bastard isn't enough.

I'd like to get a few things out of the way before I continue on my rant of 'how crappy my life seems to be'. There have been some rumours flying around and I'd like to deal with them right now. First of all, I am **NOT **a vampire. I don't know how mane people I've had to convince on that matter. So, I am terribly sorry to all of you losers who actually made bets on that and lost (you seriously need live...really, there are people out there who can help you). Second of all, I most certainly am not sleeping with Professor Juniper to get good marks in Potions. I don't need to...and YUCK! That's just plain sick. I never want to meet the person who started that rumour for sake of my sanity. The man is bloody 56 years old, and he looks twice that. Besides, I'm naturally fabulous in Potions (So I was christened ''the bat of the dungeons''. Honestly, it's not _my_ fault that my robes billow around me so dramatically.) Not that I like it though, but I have to indulge in what I am good at, as I have neither the beauty nor the brawn to get me through life. Not like Sirius...oh god I'm getting dreamy...Severus Snape does not _do_ dreamy! Think of your reputation, you idiot! Dear lord I'm talking to myself...

Back to my potions rant, what's the use of potion making (if Juniper could hear this...I'd be SO dead!)? I know that certain potions are super (did I just use that word...) useful and have incredible abilities, but unless you can invent a potion, which I've in fact managed to do, what's the fun in tossing a few ingredients together? But, lets say, Transfiguration. Now there is a fascinating subject. Can you imagine being a Transfiguration Master? To have the utmost power and ability to transform anything you want? Ah well, I've always been somewhat of dreamer concerning my future (actually I've always been a dreamer- period). I know that I will never have the skill necessary to become a Transfiguration Master.

Just like I'll never have the 'je-ne-sais-quoi' to have so much as a chance with Sirius Black.

Hi...first ever chapter of my first ever fic...feels weird.

Please review. Or something, flame me, just contact me…or just review me and don't write anything but show me that you read my story...

Sorry for spelling mistakes and stupidity.

I probably won't update too quickly, but I will update eventually..

Tah tah for now...


	2. Chapter 2

Helloooo all! I'm assuming that you're all doing well! My life is fabulous as usual(not). It's been awhile since I typed anything up so please forgive me of any REALLY stupid mistakes.

Thank you VERY much to Youko Kara. My first ever reviewer! I know that it's really crappy now, but I'm hoping that it'll get better...it sounded so nice in my head...

And now on with the show...please don't throw rotten tomatoes at me.

I hope you enjoy it.

Hmmm. Well I guess that if you've followed my disorganized thoughts this far, then it's safe to be blunt with you. -He winked at me! Sirius freakin' Black winked at me! I nearly squealed right then and there, but what little self-control I have left prevented me from doing anything entirely too damaging to my reputation. I forced a sneer onto my face and walked away, but could do nothing about the pink blush that covered my cheeks. I couldn't help the victory dance I did as soon as I rounded the nearest corner either. He actually gazed in my general direction long enough for me to notice him (not really long at all) doing so and he settled his brilliant blue eyes in ME and winked. I hope it's not a bizarre sadistic warning for one of his infamous pranks.

Sometimes I feel like the entire world knows everything about me. And stupid Black is biding his time, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. Like whenever he can embarrass me most. Or maybe I'm too suspicious for my own good. Ugh! I sound like a stark-raving mad, hormone-driven teenage girl. But wait! I forgot. I'm a stark-raving mad, hormone-driven teenage queer. So it's the bloody same thing (A/N: I mean no offence with that comment, seeing as i am a stark-raving mad queer teenager too. Just not hormone driven!).

I'm going to start taking better care of myself. You know, find a potion to remove the horrible grease from my hair, find a spell to straighten my teeth and so on and so forth. Maybe he'll stop hating then. Well, 'not hating' is a pretty big step, so I guess I could live with 'not trying to curse me every chance he gets'. It'll be a start, I suppose. But do I even want him to notice me (the little voice at the back of my head: YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS!). I mean if he's so vain and conceited that the only reason he hates me is the way I look, if he bases his judgement of people on the way they look, do I even want to impress him? Do I want to fantasize about having a relationship with him (definitely)? At least, even if my new looks don't attract him, it'll be good for my personal hygiene to be less greasy.

You know what kills me most of all? I bet you don't (it's _my_ head...what did you expect?), but I'll tell you so you don't have to worry. The fact that he calls me _'Snivellus'_ annoys me, a lot. The fact that he tried to feed me to his pet Lupin two months ago downright agonizes me. But the only thing that really kills is that I agree with him. It scares me to think that, if Sirius were to say that I am not fit to breath the same air as he does, I would consider the option of living the rest of my life either not breathing (what a looooong couple of minutes that's going to be) or wearing a bubble-head charm for the rest of my life (or until I run out of air and die of asphyxiation). Every time he tells me to go jump off the Astronomy Tower I find myself there thinking of actually doing it. When he tells me to go drown myself in the lake, I have to stop myself from actually doing it. I'm so confused. I know I don't want to die, I'm not afraid of death; I don't see why I should be. It's hard to be rational when you want to die but know you're not suicidal. But then again, I think I'm certifiably insane, valuing his stupid peace of mind (what mind...) more than my own life! I think what I've just told you is enough to account for the panic attack I'm about to have...

Sorry it's so short...I'm lacking inspiration at the time being. Which is kind of lame considering it's the only the second chapter of my first story...i don't even know exactly what's going to happen. Wow, I'm even lamer than my story...hmm...random question for anyone that's actually reading this (if anyone is...), do any of you listen to simon & garfunkel?


	3. Chapter 3

Hi again...if you're still there! I hope you are...this chapter will be longer than the last, which isn't really saying much considering how short it was.

Thanks very, very, very much to Pandora de Romanus for reviewing my story! I give you a virtual cookie! -Insert cookie here-

Anywho, I'm listening to a song called bananaphone while I'm writing this so don't ask if it turns out REALLY weird!

Disclaimer (which I didn't put in chapter 2): I don't own the characters (I don't own the plot either...it belongs to one of my other personalities...his name is Eugene), if they were mine, they'd be so different and none of them would have matching initials.

I think I got a bit too passionate there for a while. It's safe to come out from your various hiding spots now! I am indeed finished my worldly panic attack and so I am ready to tell you more about my fascinating life(aren't you envious). Actually it's quite pathetic and you can laugh at me all you want, I'm used to it. I found a potion to clean my hair efficiently; the only problem is that it takes a week to brew because you have to let the belladonna infuse with the essence of murtlap. When I first read it I had to go back to the index to make sure it was the right page...it's more complicated to brew than a shrinking solution (not that it'll be a problem for me). And I found a spell to straighten my teeth, so I am now the proud owner of 28 perfectly set, pearly white teeth. I did a pretty good job if I may say so myself (which I may). But he didn't even notice! (This is the part where it gets really pathetic) I've been studying outside for a week now, so my skin doesn't look like sour milk anymore, it looks more like the kind of colour one would find decorating a muggle bathroom- sort of creamy, vanilla-ish, and he still laughs at me! I'm going to need a backup plan, in case this doesn't work. Maybe I can put him under the Imperius curse and hide him away in a dungeon for the rest of my life...or maybe not; the thought of turning into the next crazy sexual fiend isn't really appealing.

I think I should start avoiding him. It is my firm belief that he is a psychopath, I'm sure of it. He's schizophrenic. Or bipolar. Or both...Half the time he's all mean and bitchy, and then you've got these weird rare moments when he's placid and he looks at me and he's got this look in his eyes (It's really quite sexy actually). Like he's curious, but there's also pain. Why would he feel pain by looking at me? I've never hurt him if it wasn't out of retaliation and ultimately fear for my own life. I've never been able to hurt him out of spite or pure cruelty like he does to me.

Oh dear God! Is it possible that my mere existence hurts him? Maybe he's in pain because I exist and he looked curious because he's trying to find a way to kill me without leaving any evidence behind. I really think that I should move to a desert island with a couple of chickens, a vegetable patch (and a connection to the Floo network) and a few muggle appliances that I will never fully learn to use, but seeing as I don't know how to cook with magic, I'll don't have a choice.

Anywho, Christmas is approaching rapidly and consequently so is the Christmas break. I can't wait! No more homework, no more teachers (well...almost), no more pranks, and most of all: NO MORE SIRIUS BLOODY BLACK! I can finally think about my feelings for him without having to constantly look over my shoulder to make sure he's not doing anything. Per usual, I'm staying at school this year. I have no bizarre wish to see my father and I'm sure that he has no desire to see me either.

I wonder how many people will be staying this year. Last year we were about eight. It was hilarious. We were all seated at one big round table for Christmas dinner and Dumbledore, being the bubbly git that he is, had to have a conversation that included EVERYONE. The only problem was that six out of the eight students there were Slytherin. Not only are we not sociable by nature, but who in their right mind would want to have a conversation with that lunatic? So you can pretty much imagine how that turned out. It took hours for the house-elves to clean the gravy and mashed potatoes from the ceiling. I've never seen anyone so stressed out over a simple conversation. He was mumbling so incoherently by the end of it that I just skipped dessert and went to the dorms to read.

But none of that has anything to do with the problem at hand. I still don't know what to do about these obscene feelings I have for that stupid boy.

Alright! It's decision-taking time. Regardless of the cause of my will to look better cough Sirius cough, I have to make a list of all the things I want to change about myself.

For starters, my hair, but that's already being dealt with. My teeth are done as well. Secondly, I need to gain a bit (a lot) of weight. Seriously, my weight hasn't changed since I was ten, and I've grown a good 5 inches since then...it's not my fault I'm so short. Thirdly, I have to start working out. I'm not asking for muscles worthy of a Greek statue, but I need a bit of strength to accompany my weight. I guess that's enough for now. But I'm also going to get a job brewing potions for an apothecary so that I can buy myself some good robes.

Maybe he'll actually notice in the long run. But I doubt it...sigh.

Then again, by the time I'm finished trying to make myself look like a carbon-based life form, I'll probably have moved on, or I'll be dead. Whichever comes first.

I have a very bad habit of making my chapters too short, don't I? Anywhooo, what did ya think? teeeeeeelllllll mmeeeeeeeeeee!

oh! and i have a question for you, my marvelous readers, i know that the story is sev's, but should i make a chappie in sirius' p.o.v.? So i can search around in his brain and expose his dirtiest, darkest secrets(he wears polka-dot boxers!)

if anyone has any advice it is most welcome! I'll try to write longer chapters, but i make no promises.

And i am sorry to announce that it'll probably be a while before i update(but i will), i have exams comming up and i have some serious studying to do...not to mention that i need practise time(piano/guitar).

Ttfn...tah tah for now!


	4. Chapter 4

Hi! First of all I'd like to thank all the people that reviewed! I think I answered all of them, but just in case, I love you all and your comments are greatly appreciated! Actually I'm surprised that no one has flamed me yet! Oh well, I'll get some mean yet constructive criticism later!

Disclaimer: if you've read this far than you'll have noticed that I've manipulated Sev so much that if he were mine I think I would shoot myself, and seeing as you will be getting more chapters, I think it's safe to say that he is indeed not mine. None of the characters are, or i would be sipping pina coladas on the beach while a really hot guy wearing only a pair of black silk boxers fed me grapes. Instead I'm in my room that I've just decorated in the ''a hurricane just passed by here'' motif...

And now on with the show!(by the by, this chapter is in sev's p.o.v too, but the next one will be in siri's p.o.v)

A new day, a new pile of homework, and another set of problems. I don't know how many more days I can take! I'm going to explain what happened in a second so get your tissue box ready(for me…not you). Yesterday (all my troubles seemed so far away) was Sirius' birthday. He was born on December 16th 1958 at St.Mungo's Hospital, in Maternity room number 362...so sue me: I did my research.

Anyway, that's not the problem (it's the blessing). The problem is that Mr. Greedy decided that the 34 or so presents he got from his family, friends, and not-so-secret admirers weren't enough to quench his want for attention and gifts. He wanted to have fun. And that's where I came in.

I entered, stage right, at the top of the main staircase leading to the entrance hall in the first act of his horrible play. I wish I stayed back in the library, with my nose (large as it is) safely buried into a large book on Transfiguration or Charms. But no! I had to walk straight into the minefield he had laid out for me, like a mouse that walks on a mousetrap in hope of reaching the piece of plastic cheese before it has the life snapped out of it.

At the top of the stairs, Black and his cronies had put a Trip Curse, which I inevitably walked on and ended up tumbling down the stairs at maximum speed (not really that fast when you think about the physics of it).

But that's not all. Let me explain to you the configuration of the main staircase. It's freaking long. It's separated into four smaller staircases, all of which contain 10 steps. There's about three feet between every ''mini'' staircase. So I fell down the first quarter, hit my nose on the concrete so it was bleeding everywhere and fractured my wrist. I was preparing myself to bash my way down the rest of the way when I was stopped by something, or rather someone.

Sirius had stuck his foot out and stopped me on my dizzying path. Somehow I think I would've preferred to keep falling.

By now a small crowd had gathered around the bottom of the stairs and were cheering the Marauders on. Cries of: ''Die, Snivellus, die!'' echoed around the Entrance Hall. It seemed to be their favourite phrase as of late.

As I mentioned before, I was a bit bashed up by then, and although I'm sure that even Black had heard the muggle phrase: ''Never hit a man when he's down'', it did nothing to stop him from doing just that. He sent a hefty kick to my ribs, which resulted in a strange cracking sound. I later found out that he had broken two of them and nearly punctured my right lung.

But that still wasn't enough. I guess he didn't have the satisfaction of REALLY humiliating me yet. So he threw a dungbomb in my general direction. Now I was a bit burned around the edges like a piece of bread left in a muggle toaster for a bit too long, I was very bloody and to top it all off, I smelt like crap-literally. I felt like crying. I haven't cried since my mother died when I was eight, and I definitely didn't want to start again in front of all these people. I felt like screaming at him. Telling how much of a coward he was. He had never been humiliated. He didn't know what it was like to walk into a room and _know _that its inhabitants had been laughing at you only seconds before. I'm the only person that didn't need the light he always seemed to have with him, and he hates me for it. He's like a beacon for people lost in the sea of their lives. And I never thought I was worth saving, so I didn't suck up to him like the others do. And his hate is my punishment.

I thought that breaking my bones and making me look shockingly worse than usual was more hate than the Gryffindor had for anyone, but it seemed that something of an unknown power was fuelling his anger tonight. My eyes were clenched shut against the pain, but they shot open when I felt something cold and slimy slide down the side of my face. It took me a while before I realised that it was his spit.

At this point in time someone had alerted the teachers and they came running. I was so close to passing out from utter exhaustion that I could barely make out what Sirius was saying...''tripped...only trying to help...'' The rest is a blur. The last thought that ran through my mind before I passed out completely was that Sirius was taking the bad habit of periodically attempting to take my life.

I woke up a couple of hours later surrounded by the horrible smell of medication and disinfectant and by the creamy-white linen; I knew immediately where I was. The Hospital Wing. It was dark outside and the light in Madam Pomfrey's office was off so it must have been pretty late. I slipped out of bed and noticed, with a certain distaste, that my school robes had been replaced by a pair of light blue cotton pyjamas. My eyes quickly picked out a bundle of black cloth carefully folded and placed on a chair in the far corner of the room, and was about to go get it when the door flew open.

-''What do you think you are doing, young man? You are in no fit condition to be gallivanting around the castle.'' The MediWitch had stormed at me. She grabbed me by the arm, practically dragged me back to the bed and forced me to lie down. ''I have placed a ward around your bed, so if you move, you get out of bed, or your temperature rises so much as one degree, I'll .Be. Back.'' She said the last part with her eyes narrowed and I knew by the tone of her voice that she was dead serious.

So you pretty much get the picture. I missed classes the next day, and it is now evening and I am dreading my return to class tomorrow.

Maybe I should go to Hogsmeade and find a job to get an apartment, or maybe I could just enrol in Durmstrang.

I'm going to end up being a Dark Wizard anyway, so I might as well get the proper training for it. That's the direction that everyone's pushing me in, so it's what they expect of me. Then again, when have I ever conformed to their way of thinking? Sod their rules! They can all go bugger themselves to death for all I care.

Okay, I'm not supposed to put myself under any stress what so ever, doctors orders. So no more negative thoughts. It's time to study anyways. Since I missed class today I have to catch up and I have to be SUPER ready for class tomorrow.

Well, let's start with potions shall we...

''Calendula, more commonly known as Marigold, is often found in higher altitudes. Most mountains, certainly those higher than 400 km in altitude contain Marigold growth at some place or another.''

_...Sirius' smile, his perfect gleaming teeth and dazzling blue-grey eyes that can be so cold yet so very warm..._**NO!** I have to study.

''When it is infused with Eupbrasia, it creates a brew that can cure anything from a common cold to the stomach flu.''

_...Sirius' voice, his rich, perfect voice, his beautiful laughter ringing in my ears..._ARGH! I. Have. To. Study! Get out of my head you incredibly hot bastard!

''Eupbrasia is commonly known as Eyebright. It is found in the shallow waters of Southern America. This particular plant takes an average of five years to grow a decent amount of leaves to brew any potion. Some herbology amateurs, such as Lionel Sprout, have managed to grow Eyebright in enclosed spaces, but that talent is rather rare.''

_...Sirius' velvety skin, like satin, his gorgeously long eyelashes. His elegant, long, well-manicured fingers..._ Oh my God! What's wrong with me! It's a bloody conspiracy. I can't get him out of my head. I could have a pop quiz tomorrow for all I know, and here I am, dreaming about a guy that just put me in the hospital. I need to concentrate. So no more fantasizing. Actually, from now on, I forbid myself from daydreaming about him.

There! That solves my problem. So, as I was reading before I so rudely interrupted myself...

''When Eyebright, Marigold and Skullcap are mixed together they create a most potent poison. The protein in the Marigold and the acid from the Skullcap neutralize each other, which leaves the chemicals from the Skullcap to mix with the hydrocarbons from the Eyebright. When they have been properly infused they create a potion known as 'Fluvian's Death''.

...And that's where I fell asleep...

Hi! How are you all? Did you like the chappie? I updated my profile so it's less boring than it used to be. I think that this chapter is longer than the others...I have a length-obsession.

Anyways, the chapter in sirius' p.o.v might take a little longer to update. Do you think i should do it as if he's seeing everything from the beginning or just from the end of this chapter?

Tell me what you think. I'm open to constructive criticism!


	5. Chapter 5

Woohoo! I'm back! You missed me didn't you? I won't bore you with too much chit chat today, simply know that none of these characters are mine, none of it is...-violins start playing in the background-

I love all of my reviewers! Thank you so much Youko Kara, Pandora de Romanus and Parselmouthgirl! I'm sending you virtual hugs and cookies through my computer -crams chocolate chip cookies into her hard drive-

I hope it turns out ok...I really don't know what I'm doing! And I have the leftovers of the flu so forgive me if this is less than coherent...

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Sirius' p.o.v. (about time)

I'm so confused that I can barely tell my right from my left anymore. I've been sure of my sexuality for quite some time now, so it comes as no surprise to me when I find a guy attractive. I remember when I first told James, Remus and Peter. I was so afraid that they would hate me. Curiously enough, I was more afraid of telling Remus than the others. I was afraid of good old open-minded, relaxed, lain-back werewolf Remus. I guess I thought that since no one is perfect, this would be his one ''flaw''. I would be the one thing that bothered or disgusted him. And that was something I couldn't handle.

Peter is too much of a coward to do anything, even if it had bothered him, so I had no worries there. And James, well, he's too lazy to care. I knew deep down inside that he would remember that just because I'm openly gay doesn't mean I'm not Sirius anymore. So one night, I told them to wait with me in the common room for everyone else to leave. At about one am the room was mercifully empty. I had prepared a huge friendship speech beforehand, but when I opened my mouth to recite it, the only words that managed to worm their way out of my throat were: ''Guys, I'm gay.'' After about a half a millisecond I clapped a hand over my mouth and readied myself to being thrown out of Gryffindor Tower for reasons of treachery beyond human understanding. But James just got up, yawned and said :''Whaddya want? A cookie? I'm going to bed.'' He gave me a one-armed hug to show that he didn't care about my sexual preference and to say that he wasn't being supportive because it _was_ one in the friggin' morning! Peter had an expression of utmost satisfaction on his face. He too got up and headed for the dorms, but not before patting me on the back and saying: ''I knew it. So, what do you look for in a guy?'' I punched him playfully in the arm and he went to bed.

As I turned my head to look at Remus, I could feel the dread in my stomach, weighing me down, and for a second, my fears were confirmed. He had a sad, pained expression on his face and his eyes shone with hurt.

-'' Remus, I'm sor-'' He cut me off.

'' How long have you known that you're gay?'' That was unexpected. I didn't honestly know when I had come to realize my alternate preference in men. It had probably been about three months. I told him that and he looked a bit better. Sort of...relieved. But his eyes still held pain in them. I opened my mouth and drew a breath to say something, I'm not sure what I was going to say, but he beat me to it.

-''I'm not angry, or disappointed, or disgusted, or anything about the fact that you're gay. A little shocked, but nothing more. I wouldn't think any less of you if you had a thing for Merpeople. But, three months is a long time. I am disappointed that in those three months, you couldn't pluck up the courage to tell us. If we had been too tired to stay up and wait for you to tell us tonight, would you have ever told us? We're your friends, Sirius! Did you really think that we wouldn't love you anymore just because you prefer men to women? Did you think that_ I_ could be that shallow?''

Deafening silence answered his question. It was more informative than any words could ever be and I'm guessing that the expression on my face told him all the things I couldn't convey. How guilty I felt, how afraid I had been. He understood. I knew he had because no more than a second later I found myself enveloped in his arms, my head resting on his shoulder. I returned the hug with a bit too much eagerness, causing Remus to lose a large amount of his oxygen supply. We looked at each other and burst out laughing at my antics. The entire evening seemed rather amusing now that it was over.

And that was that. My friends knew and they thought no less of me. But that would definitely change if they knew who my target is at the moment. At least James and Peter would label me a traitor. Remus would probably encourage me to seek him out and tell him everything.

You've probably guessed who the forbidden fruit of the day is so there's no point in beating around the bush. Severus ''Snivellus'' Snape. The greasy git. Well, he's not so greasy anymore.

Who would've thought that such a pretty, and rather feminine face could hide from the world for so long beneath a curtain of greasy hair?

As I've already mentioned, his hair is no longer greasy, and his skin no longer so pale that it could light up a pitch-black room. His teeth are perfectly straight and white, and he no longer looks like a walking skeleton, although he is still quite skinny. The changes are rather appealing, I must admit. He looks delicious.

-Oh. My. God. I did **NOT** just think that! I take it back. He looks hideous. As hideous as he always does and always will. And that's final.

I don't like Snivellus. That's just wrong, I mean eeeeewwwwwwwww! That's like liking an infectious disease.

Alright, deep breaths. This whole lying to yourself thing is bullshit. So I'll make a deal. With myself...

In my head, I don't have to hate Snape. I don't have to insult him or bash him. But out-loud, in the real world, I hate him more than ever. I can't lose my closest friends over that git. I guess that the wise Remus-like thing to say would be that if they are my real friends, they'll stick by me no matter what. But I don't want to take the risk that they're not my real friends. I like the life I have right now, even if it means living in ignorance. After all, ignorance is bliss.

...God I sound like a whiny pain the ass!

But back to my Snape problem, no one can ever know. Ever. Not even some random muggle in Siberia who's on his deathbed. Not if costs me my life. 'Cause if that information were to, somehow, ever makes its way back to the git, I would never hear the end of it. Not to mention what everyone else would think!

So I have to treat him even worse than usual. And I have to make it physical. I have to start hurting him again.

This is going to kill me...

sbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsb

That's not what I expected, but I couldn't write him out as a bad guy, so I wrote him as a stupid guy. It seemed like the right thing to do. You see, Sirius doesn't think that Sev is suffering cause of his pranks (which why he said: I have to start hurting him again). He doesn't realize that this is going to hurt Sev a lot more than it's going to ''hurt'' him, but he'll see things sev's way soon enough. This is obviously set before chapter 4. I hope it was acceptable.


	6. Chapter 6

Hi everybody! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update. My only excuse/reason is that I'm a lazy pig. But I'm updating at last and that has to count for something, right? Oh, and I changed my name, I got tired of the old one so I figured some variety would do me good.

Anyways, I'd very much like to thank all my reviewers and all my readers, you guys are the greatest! I'd more specifically like to thank mini-kero, because she (I'm guessing you're a girl) reviewed anonymously, so I couldn't answer. Your review is much appreciated!

And now...the update that I should've typed up AGES ago.

Sev's p.o.v.

Sigh

Sigh

Sigh

Okay, this whole mental sighing business is driving me insane! Even if it _is _happy mental sighing. -I got you there didn't I? You all thought that I was still depressed! Well guess again my little minions, for Severus Snape is back in action. If you thought that Sirius' last stunt was enough to stop me, you are sadly (or gladly) mistaken!

They got their due punishment anyway. Apparently, some wimpy first-year cracked under interrogation. So Dumbledore took off a hundred points from Gryffindor and gave Potter and Sirius two months worth of detentions scrubbing cauldrons for Professor Juniper. Pettigrew had been in the Infirmary with a sore stomach at the time and Lupin hadn't wanted to have anything to do that particular prank, so he'd been in the library catching up on homework. Loopy-Lupin never really could participate in any bullying that actually included beating the shit out of an unsuspecting innocent. Too afraid of the consequences in my opinion. But for the punishments, I don't really think it was done right. Personally, I wouldn't have removed any points (it won't do anything except make the Gryffindors angrier and they'll start beating up even more people, namely me), I would've kicked Potter out on his sorry ass, and just given Sirius a detention or two. Dumbledore's just trying to get into my good books ''again''. As if he ever was in them. He would never actually _expel _one of his precious little lion cubs. Ever since the 'let's feed Snape to Lupin' prank, he's been trying to get me to talk to him. To open up to him. He even took me out of class once so we could have a 'nice little chat over tea' as he called it. I called it walking into a room full of rapists and serial killers and crazy Muggles who want nothing more than to feed you to a tank full of starved sharks. Needless to say we didn't get very far with our little chat.

Anyway, the reason for my happy, yet annoying, sighing is quite simple. Hmmm. Maybe I should just let you guess...Or maybe not. I don't want to be mauled to death by a bunch of crazy rusty-spoon wielding psychopaths. I was looking at the charts for the NEWT preparation exams that take place at the end of sixth year. This year they're pairing Ravenclaw with Hufflepuff and Gryffindors with Slytherins. They don't usually mix the houses but Dumbledore thought that the inter-house rivalry was reaching an unacceptable level so they made an exception for this year. And they're not following alphabetical order. And I got placed with the one and only Sirius Black! We're together for Divination, Potions and Transfiguration (part of the exam consists of human transfiguration so we need partners). Isn't that GREAT! I did a victory dance when I found out. It's the only thing better than vanilla ice cream, which is my ONLY weakness when it comes to food. So I have to be SUPER prepared for this. I feel like laughing and dancing and singing like a lunatic. But I won't because there are too many people in the library who are already perturbed by the sight of me smiling. Actually I think I'll stop because my face is starting to hurt. But I can't stop! This is the best day of my life!

So anyways, I can't wait until he finds out we're working together. Maybe he'll come see me and sweep me off my feet and ask me if we can study together and then we'll go for a romantic walk by the lake, in the moonlight.

Realistically he'll probably just complain to the Board of governors at the Ministry. But I can always fantasize.

A wrinkled hand passed rapidly in front of my eyes, snapping me out of my reverie. It was Pince kicking me out of the library, and by the look on her face she'd been at it for quite some time. Wow. I've been in there for an hour and a half just smiling like a stoner and staring at a wall. Well, as those Muggles say, there's a first time for everything.

Speaking of Muggles, we were in Muggles Studies class (those bastards made it a necessary course rather than an optional one) and I found something out. Sirius was whispering to some Ravenclaw girl (a total bitch in my opinion) as Potter and Pettigrew were skipping and it was Lupin's time of the month. He was telling her a story. About a muggle romance novel. Sirius, pureblood, macho, super-masculine Black likes to read muggle romance books. I think I might buy him one for Christmas. I'll send it anonymously, of course. I'm not suicidal. But seriously, there's a small shop in Hogsmeades called the 'Little Bee'. It's right next to 'Mortimer's Mortuary' and it's not far from that all-year Ice cream place. I love eating ice cream in the wintertime. I usually go to the 'Little Bee' during our not-so-frequent trips to the small village because it has a Muggle section where you can listen to music and buy Muggle books. Do you think he'd appreciate it if I sent him a gay romance novel? I actually think that he would find a way to track me down and have me locked up in Azkaban with ''crimes against humanity'' as a reason (my crime being my mere existence or hideousness). His family has bizarre connections so he probably could find me if he wanted to.

Hey...if he likes romance then maybe I can woo him with chocolates and flowers and portkeys that lead to exotic islands deep in the Caribbean. He just might go for it. -Or he'd slug me and take the chocolates and flowers and portkeys and share them with his stupid bimbo one-night stands.

Life stinks when you're a gay guy in a society where people hate you for being you and would hate you even more (or run at you with pitch-forks and promises of a slow and painful death) if they ever found out you're gay. And the guy you've fallen/thrown yourself to the ground for is straighter than an arrow and hates you simply for existing and being who you are...

Well, that turned out horribly. I'm terribly sorry to all you people who were eager for a good update and got this pile of complete crap instead...dude this bites the dust!

It's all angsty again at the end. What the crap happened to my humour? oh well, hopefully I'll make it up to you in the next chappie! By the way...do you guys want the next chappie to be in siri's or sev's p.o.v? If no one has a preference then it'll be in sev's.

Maybe it sucks cause it's like 11 30 and I'm tired as hell...I'm really sorry that this chapter turned out so short and poop-ish.

Anyway...I'll update soon-ish. Thank you all my faithful readers who actually finished this chapter! I love you guys!


	7. Chapter 7

Yo my peeps! It has indeed been a LOOOONG time since I updated, so I figure I should grace you with a new chapter at last! I'm very sorry for the long wait, but it's been like, a week and a half since I've actually been at home (I spent it at my friends house). I'm sorry if this turns out crappy, blame it on the fact that I'm listening to Elton John.

--------------

Sirius' P.O.V.

Well...my plan went on a direct crash course to Hell, didn't it? If I'm going to rant, which I _am_ going to do, you deserve an explanation. So here's what happened: I wanted to put my marvellous, seemingly flawless plan into action. My plan being that I would push Snape even further away from me than he already is, so as to not raise suspicion. And I would be forced to hurt him physically, seeing as emotionally would be too close to my actual motive. It's logical, right? I can't let anyone find out about my feelings and who would think that I'm pushing him away because I...like him a little bit. To me, that makes perfect sense, and who knows, maybe it does make sense. But it screwed up BIG time. Or more likely, **I** screwed up big time.

You see, through all my ideal solutions to the Severus dilemma, I've done nothing more than create another huge batch of problems and I've got no results to show for it. Hmmm...Let's see if I can enumerate all the problems my emotions seem to have caused. For starters, I've got detention for the next two months. Then there's the fact that I lost one hundred points from Gryffindor, which leaves us no chance what so ever at winning the House Cup this year. And on top of it all, my friends won't speak to me. They're angry with me for coming up with such a ''stupid prank'' as Remmy called it, and for getting James in trouble. Now I know that that doesn't seem like a lot to deal with, but keep in mind that while all of this is happening, I have to deal with my growing feelings for Severus.

And the fright! It's almost unbearable. I'm afraid of everything. I'm scared that people are going to find out about the fact that I...like Severus a little bit, and then my parents will find out and I'll be disowned. I'm scared because NEWTs are coming up next year and I'm not at all ready. Yes, the almighty Sirius Black worries about his education and academic life. I'd be an idiot not to. I'm not like certain Slytherins who have intelligence at their fingertips.

But most of all, I'm scared that I just don't care. I don't care that I lost points from my classmates and I, I don't care that I have detention (it gives me to think). I don't even care that the best mates I'll ever have are so angry at me that they're ignoring me and pretending that I don't exist. I heard Remmy talking, they're trying to show me what Severus must feel like without anyone to talk to. James only agreed cause he's angry with me for getting him in trouble and Peter only agreed cause James did.

But there is something that I do care about. I care about the fact that Severus is currently in the Hospital Wing on my account. Again. The thing is that I really thought that I could hate him if I just tried hard enough. And believe me I tried. But I can't, I can't just shut off my emotions like I would a muggle light. I really like the little prat, and I think I always will.

I have a nagging suspicion that Remmy knows. I don't think he minds though. If anything he's angry that I hurt Snape after I gave my word to Dumbledore that I would leave him alone.

And after everything I went through I still don't have a solution for my still not solved problem. This stinks (brilliant observation, I know).

I mean, how bad does a guy have to have it for him to be afraid that his best mates, who happen to know of his sexual preference, might find out who he likes?

Well, I guess I could devise another ingenious plan (though not for world domination) that involves beating the shit out of my crush, but I think I'll die if I ever have to see that look of betrayal in those black gems of his agai-Wait, rewind, betrayal?

Yes, I said betrayal, and there really had been betrayal in the depth of his gorgeous eyes. Why didn't I realize until now? And why the hell would he feel betrayed? Yeah... I know, there is the fact that I promised I would leave him alone, but he's WAY too smart to have believed that. So what now?

I guess I could always ignore him, but I'm one hundred percent sure that he, along with the rest of Hogwarts' population, would notice the change in my behaviour. Then again I could always say that Dumbledore threatened me with expulsion if I didn't leave him alone. Sometimes it really sucks being popular.

Or I could just try to woo him. God that would never work! Can you imagine me trying to woo Severus? Now that is a funny mental image. He doesn't exactly strike me as the flowers and chocolate type of person. Hehe, I could always try to gain his affection with expensive potion ingredients and Dark Arts books. But that's only one of his many façades. I want to give him something that says: ''I want to get to know you. All of you.'' Hypothetically speaking of course! I'm not actually going to buy him anything! I mean he doesn't like me, and he's not gay. Oh Shit! He's not gay! I totally forgot about that! And yet here I am pining over him. I want him to like me, but nothing seems to be working in my favour!

My God this is complicated! I need to take my mind off of things for a while.

Hey look (haha, you can't), Remmy left his copy of this years NEWTs training pairings in the Common Room (I lost mine, of course). Let's just have a look to see whom the fabulous, infamous Sirius Black is to be paired with, shall we? Hhhmmmmmm...Black, Black, Black…Aha, here are, page 97:

-Black, Sirius. Gryffindor. Age 16. is to be paired with AHHHHH! What the Hell! Snape, Severus. Slytherin. Age 15. Is that even legal? I need to go to Dumbledore. No, I need to go to the School Board. NO! I need to take this directly to the Minister himself!

Wait, he's 15? How is that possible (he was born a year after me, stupid)? Unless he started a year earlier than I did. Oh well, it's only one year difference. Ah! Hold up! One-year difference for what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It doesn't matter to me.

I really have to stop scaring the shit out of myself.

And this isn't too bad, right? It's only for a couple of days. I can do this. It'll give me a chance to look at him for a while. I need to look at all the changes he's made. But purely for scientific reasons of course! I just want to ummm...oh yeah! I want to test out my gag reflex. Yup, that's it.

But seriously (Siriusly...yes, even **_I_** find that one funny…haha), it's good practise. I'll be able to learn from a genius (I meant to say evil mastermind) at work.

Urgh! I'm bored. Let's just imagine here for a second if anything were to work out between Snape and me what would I want from our hypothetical relationship? Judging by my earlier reaction, I'd say nothing, but I'm not so sure anymore. What do I want? I want a life with someone who loves me despite my petty habits, someone who sees me as more than a stupid Quidditch player, or a show off, or a ladies-man, someone who buys me white roses (they're my favourite) on my birthday. And I want that person to be Severus Snape.

I'm in love with Severus Snape.

Shit.


	8. Chapter 8

Hello my faithful followers of doom (I feel like Lord Voldemort…at an AA meeting…). I have SO much time to write now that school is out! I just love sleeping in and eating breakfast for lunch and spending my days hanging out with my best friend and staying up late posting updates for my readers.  
Thanks to all my reviewers; Snow Mouse, Pandora de Romanus, allikitty and jakisbishlygay. You guys are all so sweet! I hope you all enjoy this chapter. (I don't think it's one of my best, but what do I know?)

Sev's P.O.V.

Alright, everything is set up and my plan is complete. I've figured out that the only way I'll be able to get a decent night's sleep without having dreams about Sirius Black, myself, a large bed and a red and gold tie is to see more of him during the day so that my subconscious can have its fill of him. So I've devised a plan, a study plan. It all started when I was signing up to stay for Christmas. You see, Slytherin is the last house that McGonagall visits to see who wants to stay for Christmas Break, and guess whose name was on that list. Yup, the fantabulous Sirius Black is staying at Hogwarts this year. Are you shocked? I was shocked. The guy is bloody rich; I can't possibly fathom why he would stay here with the ''rejects'' instead of enjoying himself at home. Or at Potter's house. But hey, I'm not complaining. And on the day of everyone's departure, when he's sad that all his little friends are gone, I'll go and ask him if he wants to study with me. That way he'll be blinded by the grief of his friends' absence and if he says yes, we'll have two whole, Marauder-free weeks.

It'll be great. I'll help him in Potions and Herbology because frankly, he could use the extra help, and I'll ask him to help me perfect my Transfiguration. I'm actually just asking for his help in Transfiguration so as to not bruise his ego too much. I guess the practise would be useful, but I've been studying my ass of for a month now and there is nothing that those nitwit teachers have taught us that I don't know by heart and understand inside out. An even bigger plus to this situation, if he agrees to it, is that not only do I get to ogle his hot body up close for two weeks, but I also (finally) have the chance to show him that there's more to me than a Dark Arts obsessed Potions freak.

Or maybe I should just wait for the last supper before last supper before everyone leaves, find a way to start a hushed argument with Sirius (really not hard to do) and suddenly push him away and scream: 'No Sirius, I will not have sex with you!'. Now, I'm sure that that would certainly stir something up (not to mention that it's probably the most hilarious way of coming out of the closet) and it would probably be worth it just to see the look of utter disgust on Potter's face, but I don't think it's humanly possible to dodge about a hundred killing curses at once (one for every girl Sirius has ever wooed…man it sucks being a gay guy in love with a straight sex god).

But we'll jump that hurdle when we reach it. His sexuality is something I have to deal with once I've made him not hate me. I'm sure I could find a potion somewhere (or invent it) that'll convince him that he's gay.  
I wish I could have the muggle stereotypical happy ending where my knight in shining armour (Sirius…only he's naked) comes and sweeps me off my feet and we live happily ever after. But oh well, I'm too tired for fantasy right now.

What I do need on the other hand is to find Sirius a suitable Christmas present. I've decided that I'll use my accumulated allowance to buy him the perfect gift. That I will, of course, send anonymously. But what do I get him? There's always the philosophy that if you don't know whom you're dealing with you just give them money, but that's too impersonal. But I do know him. He's been my best enemy for five years now! The only constant in my life! So I'll just start be narrowing down my list. I'm not getting him anything to do with pranking as it would no doubt be used on me and I will not pay for my own demise. I know he hates to read (How could anyone hate reading?), so no books. That leaves clothes and jewellery; anything else would be an insult to the image of perfection that I am looking for. It would be like sending him a note along with the present that said: 'I was too lazy to find you a suitable gift so I got you this piece of shit instead.' I'll find something when I go to Hogsmeades tomorrow.

And as for the problem of tracing the owl…I'm sure that I could find something to fix that. A simple charm will do the trick. Or maybe I should get the houselves to deliver it.

I wonder what Sirius' goons would think of my love for their best friend…I can only imagine, but if I were to venture a guess it would be something along the lines of being lynched by Potter then having my remains thrown onto a bed of spikes and having the Cruciatus Curse repetitively aimed at my head and heart in hopes of eliminating my feelings. Pettigrew would probably just watch and cheer Potter on like the sideliner he is. And Lupin…good question. What would our resident friendly little wolf do? I'm not sure if he'd be jealous, afraid, or in complete agreement. Knowing him to be the lamb that he is, he wouldn't be jealous, and going by all judgment I've ever placed on him, afraid is out of the question, so that leaves 'in complete agreement'. Well, it would help my rather hopeless cause to have someone on the inside that agrees with me and has some sway over Sirius. But how do I make him owe me enough for him to turn against his friends, so to speak? It would need to be something special, so something that not many people could offer him. Hmmmm….what does Werewolf Remus want that only I can give? A potion maybe, but for wh-WEREWOLF! That's it! He's a werewolf. I could make a potion to make his werewolf transformations less painful. And then he'd owe me BIG time!  
To the library! (Superman Pose)

A lot of running and a couple of flights of stairs later

Okay, here we are. Now, to the potions section…five rows down and to the left. I really spend too much time in here. Anyway, let's get a few books for reference, and to see if anyone's already tried to do anything similar. All right, we've got a couple good ones here. "Moste Potente Potions", "A Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi", "Potions: A Guide for Masters", and last but not least, "The Encyclopaedia of Ingredients, Special Edition". And for cross-reference, I need a book on werewolf transformations. Ah, here we go, "I Howl by the Light of the Moon" is pretty accurate. It may sound like a romance novel, but it's really full of scientific facts.

Man, for the first time in my life I don't want to open a book. But it must be done, this is the only plan I've got and I won't give up until I've at least talked with Sirius. Alright, let's start by looking to see if anyone's ever been in a predicament similar to mine and has therefore already either invented a potion or started to invent one.  
"Moste Potente Potions" virtually useless, the only thing they've got that actually has anything to do with werewolves (apart from the use of werewolf hair or tooth or nail in potions) is how to induce an artificial transformation. Honestly, who the Hell is stupid enough to induce a transformation. If I ever find them, they're dead.-Shit, I just killed myself. I'm going to have to use that potion to test my potion out. Damn, from now on I'm totally going to think before I…well think. But I'm going to need to test my potion on myself and pray that it doesn't kill me, I can't very well offer something poisonous as a peace offering, can I? (Yes…I could) Hmmmmm…..latidatida lalalala Blast! Not one single useful thing in "Potions: A Guide for Masters". I was really counting on that one. Well, at least my search is complete, these are the two best potion books ever so if the potion isn't in them, it's because it doesn't exist.

On to plan b: creating the potion from scratch. First thing's first, I need a list of plausible ingredients. And that's where "A Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi" and "The Encyclopaedia of Ingredients, Special Edition" come into play. I'll need the basic ingredients for starters. So, we'll start with Skullcap. It's mostly known for its use in potions that help vampires to deal with bloodlust, so it might also help remove the symptoms of lycanthropy. And the ingredient that mixes best with Skullcap is Monkshood, and the only thing that can counter the poisonous proteins in the Monkshood is Hellebore. Continuing my previous train of thought, Knotgrass is known for its ability to remove a killer's want to kill, so it might come in handy to remove the need for the wolf inside Remus to forget its instinct to hunt. And consequently-

SMACK!

Now that is one unhappy librarian. I think she's going to end up having a stroke or a heart attack if she doesn't control her blood pressure.

-'Curfew was an hour ago young man! You've been in here for nearly four hours doing Lord knows what. And don't you give me that look; I know that the teachers aren't giving out homework anymore. Go to bed. Now. And 10 points from Slytherin. Now out!'

That went well, don't you think? At least I've gotten somewhere with the potion, even if it's just a beginning. If things keep going this well (minus being kicked out of the library) I'll have a list of ingredients in no time. And then I can get to the hard part, albeit the fun part: experimentation. Then getting Lupin on my side will be as easy as getting lost in the Forbidden Forest. And then, I can concentrate on getting to Sirius. And when he's in arms reach, I'll ensnare him in my trap of love and never let him go.

I'm not crazy.


	9. Chapter 9

Hi all! Sorry I took so long to update. The chapter's actually been ready for a while now I just didn't type it up. I'm too lazy for my own good. But here it is, at last.

I hope you enjoy it, and muchos gracias to jakisbishlygay, Addictive Writer, yaeko and Satan's Angelic Mistress. You guys are simply great!

Sirius' P.O.V.

Finally! I thought that they were NEVER going to leave! Remus got off the train at least like, 20 times to ask me if I was sure I wanted to stay at Hogwarts even without them or if I was sure I didn't want to spend the vacation with him an his folks. I don't have anything against staying with Remus, but I thought I was going to kill him. If I signed up to stay here, it means that I want to stay here. I've actually never been so guiltlessly happy that my friends are leaving. I can actually concentrate on getting to know my little Sevy dearest. I mean, how on Earth am I supposed to try and talk to him with the constant threat that James is going to pop up out of nowhere and pummel him?

And get this: I've come up with a plan. I need a reason for to stare at his body for hours on end, right? So the only logical solution, apart from stalking, but that's illegal, is studying. Seeing as he's such a bookworm, the only thing sure to catch his eye is studying. And then I can show him that there's more to me than a jerk or a bully. I'm not saying that we're going to admit our undying love for each other, then get married and run way to Hawaii for our Honeymoon, but at least I can try to be friends with him. I'm just hoping that friends will be close enough to satisfy my urge to be near him. And if things work out really well, I might even be able to convince James to let go of his grudges and leave Sev alone.

And now to set my plan in motion, I have to find the sneaky little devil and drag him off (I sound like some sort of a kidnapper) to the library, or maybe one of our common rooms. Wouldn't that be...enjoyable. And maybe I could use my unfaltering Gryffindor charm to get Dumbledore to turn one of the unused classrooms into a hotel suite where Sev and I can relax after our long days of studying. Then again there's always the Room of Requirements (and we DO require some privacy), but he'd probably go all ''school rules'' on my ass. So...if I was Severus Snape (obviously, I'm not going to look as if I was Peter Pettigrew), where would I be? Probably inside somewhere, maybe I'll find him on the library.

Or not; he's right in front of me, in the Entrance Hall. He seems to be looking for someone (if only he was looking for me). Oh God, what if he's already found someone to study with? Shit I can feel the dread weighing my stomach down like rocks. Maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead and go burry myself in a snow bank and wait until I freeze to death.

Urgh, what am I saying? Like Hell he's worth it! For Heaven's sake, I won't know for sure unless I ask him, so I'm going to go over there and say what I have to say.

Oh dear lord he's looking at me, and taking a deep breath and now he's walking towards me-what am I doing? Bloody Hell he's going to talk to me!

-"Sirius, do you have a few minutes?" He's got a really silky voice. Okay, just nod, there's no need to use your voice just yet. There we go, that wasn't too bad was it?

-"Are you alright? You look a bit spaced out." Just nod again, there done. Whoever thought that talking to your archenemy would be easy clearly needed to have his head checked. Well, I will have to say something eventually, so I might as well get this over and done with. I just hope I won't say something really stupid. Jesus, it's not like I'm asking him-

-"Will you marry me?" OH. SHIT. I did _not_ just say that. Did I really just say that out loud? The look of absolute shock on his face (which must be a mirror of my own) tells me 'Yes Sirius, you did'. Maybe I should just get out of here while I still can. Or maybe I should try to rectify the heart-attack I've just caused.

-"I didn't mean that! I'm sorry! I haven't been sleeping too well lately; it's not my fault. Please don't hex me!" Umm…that didn't come out quite as I had planned it. And damn, it would seem that the total of nine people who are staying here this winter have gathered around us and are currently staring at us like a bunch of owls. Thankfully they're mostly Seventh Years, so any rumours they start will be forgotten next year when they leave (or so I hope). I'm so confused. Wait, I'm moving, why am I- hehe, Severus is pulling us to a more secluded section of the castle. I knew there was a reason for which I love him. Oops, not the time for fantasizing.

Hmm…we seem to have stopped. He's looking at me with those beautiful black gems of his. I wonder what it's like to kiss those delicate, soft lips or to run my hands through his velvety hair, or-

-"Do you want to study with me during the Break?" Wait, I didn't say that. And he's looking at me expectantly. What the Hell is going on?

-"Are you sure that you're okay?" His hand is on my forehead. I want to hold him close to me and never let him go. "We'll you're a bit warm, but you don't have a fever. You should go see Madam Pomfrey if you're not feeling well. So do you want to study?"

YES! Of course I do. Oh wait, I have to tell **him** that.

"Yeah, it sounds great, specially seeing as we've been paired together for the NEWT preparation exams and all."

"Great, so I'll meet you in the library tomorrow at…what time do you usually get up at?"

"Uh…any time, it doesn't matter. Whatever you want will be fine."

"Okay, well, is ten o'clock alright with you?"

"Yeah, ten is fine." He's nodding and looking at me like I'm crazy, or like a time bomb that could go off at any given moment. And now he's walking away.

Oh, My, God! I'm studying with him! I know that you can't see me but just try to picture my hot body doing a victory dance.

This is great! Wait did he say ten o'clock? As in, ten in the morning? Is he insane? Who the Hell gets up before one in the afternoon during vacation? Oh well, it's only for two weeks and it's worth it! Now I have to work on not acting like a bumbling idiot every time he talks to me, or this is going to be two VERY long weeks. I feel like taking my tie and covering my mouth with it so that I can't say anything too stupid during our study sessions. (But that would be a little too kinky for our date, especially after I asked him to marry me. Oh shit! I asked him to marry me! I'd forgotten until now! But he just thinks I'm crazy, so I'm ok.) I don't know what I'll do to myself if he looks at me like that again. It makes me feel like I've got pudding dripping out of my ears.

I'm SO confused! Are you confused too? It's just that, in my head, I'm super confidant and I know exactly what to say and I want to do stuff with him. And not just sex or making out, but I want to go out for coffee or have a snowball fight. But in real life, when I'm talking to Sev, I turn into this bumbling idiot. I'm usually so eloquent when it comes to seducing people (girls and boys alike). I've really fallen hard for this guy, haven't I?

…That was actually a completely rhetorical question. I know I've fallen hard for him. I wonder if he'd make me chose between him and my friends (I already know who I would choose). I know James would, and consequentially so would Peter. Remus would be cool with it; he'd stick by me. I swear, sometimes James is a real prat. Actually he's always a prat, isn't he? I guess in a way, it's good that things aren't possible between Sev and me. But if it's good, then why do I feel so miserable?


	10. Chapter 10

Hello my children! How have you all been? I know I've been absent for quite some time now and I will not bore you with useless excuses or details, just be assured that I am back and better than ever...sort of. Not really, but anyway...stupid figure of speech...-mumbles to herself incoherently-

Here's the update before I hurt myself with all this chit-chat.

- - - - - - - - -

Sev's P.O.V.

I did it! You'll never guess what just happened, not even if i gave you 22 and half lifetimes to do it (but you can try to anyway, just to humour me). But I'm a nice guy so I'll let you in on all the juicy details. Are you sitting down (A/N: you'd better be if you're at your computer, or you have serious chair issues that you need to talk to someone about...not me)? I hope you are because I just asked Sirius Bloody Black to study with me and he said: ''Yeah, it sounds great, specially seeing as we've been paired together for the NEWT preparation exams and all.'' Then again if I was in control of his brain I would've made him say it more along the lines of: ''Of course, I am charmed at the aspect of spending two full weeks in your sole company and while we're at it would you like to go out to dinner with me at a really high class restaurant where I will exclaim my undying love for you?'' And then I would answer: ''That sounds simply marvellous are you free on Wednesday?'' And we'd live happily ever after.

But anyways...his affirmative answer was all I needed to make my day brighter. I thought I was going to burst out laughing from joy, but thank god I held myself back. This whole 'love' business is driving me insane. I'm constantly worried that I might randomly start giggling or dissolve into tears. Honestly, it's the weirdest thing ever. I feel like I'm dancing on top of a cloud and nothing can or will ever bring me back to Earth. It's actually quite nice, I feel so careless and free.

I hope he's alright though; Sirius that is. He seemed extremely out of it and was acting completely out of character. He actually asked me to marry him! I was about to say 'YES!' when he apologized and passed it off as lack of sleep. He had probably been practising just before for when he's going to ask one of those prissy little bitches who whore themselves out to him. But really, what was I expecting? I got exactly what I asked for. No more, no less. I asked him to study with me and that's what I got. Two weeks of pure, non-returned bliss. He probably just had no one else to study with and like he said, we are going to be partners for the actual exam, so for him this is purely a strategic standpoint. So he's probably going to show up late and bolt away from me as soon as we're done (if he doesn't leave early.)

Damn! I'm not dancing on my cloud anymore. It would seem that gravity only applies to broken-hearted people. I take back my previous statement about love being all careless and free. Love is two-faced back stabbing fucker. One minute you're elated and this feeling of insane pressure mounts in your chest and you know that it's love and that it's good. And the next you know, you think that the entire world is going to come crashing down on you and said wonderful pressure turns into a suffocating pain that feels like it'll never ever go away and all you want to do is go for walks in the middle of the night and let the pain fill you whole. Crying myself to sleep and eating tubs of ice cream sounds like a walk in the park compared to what I'm feeling. The whole drowning in a black abyss isn't at all what it's like. It's more along the lines of turning into a live statue, so that you can watch the world go on, including the one you love, and not be able to live or breathe or eat or sleep with them. Because you're turned into a hollow creature that couldn't possibly qualify as a human. I've turned into an insomniac; I can't eat because it makes me sick, even breathing has become a difficult task when Sirius is around. And yet, even if it meant suffocating, I want him around me all the time. Even if it would be awkward and I would say stupid things and I wouldn't know how to act, I want to be with him always.

But enough of this mopping business. I have stuff to do, and Christmas presents to buy. So I think I'm going to head on down to Hogsmeades and get over my stupid issues. I don't have a lot of money, but enough to buy a good quality...something. What had I decided would be best? Clothes and...Jewellery. But I don't know his size. So a nice necklace ought to do the trick, something "manly" yet sentimental. Here we are; 'Enchanting Jewels'. Wow, it's bright in here, and clean too. It must be Sirius' kind of store. As I said before, I'm a nice guy, so I'll be your eye around this place.

-'Hello!' Ah! Okay, not funny. People are _not_ supposed to sneak up on their customers like that.

-'Uh…hi. I'm just looking for now, thanks.' Ugh, creepy. He's got this incredibly feral, predatory look on his face. They've only got woman's jewellery in here though. And I doubt that Sirius would appreciate a gold chain with a diamond encrusted heart dangling from it. Well, I'm done here. That was thoroughly freaky and extremely unpleasant. Hmmm…this looks o.k. 'Harold's Dazzling Gems' Wait a minute…never mind (the logo says 'Charm HER with your impeccable choice'). I swear I should sue all the jewellery stores in Hogsmeades for sexist-ness. It's not fair that guys have to scour the place just to find one single shop that has stuff for guys too-hey look, there's something! 'Illusion of Faith-jewellery for him or her'. Alright I take it back. It's not _that_ hard to find a shop with stuff for guys.

Okay…I'm officially scared now. This is the EXACT opposite of the shop I was just at. It's dark and dank, and what the hell is that smell? It's atrocious. I think I'm just going to leave.

-'Looking for a Christmas present are you, my dear?' Oh my God! What is it with people scaring me today?

-Yeah, but I don't think-'

-'I have exactly what you need for your…friend.' Are you as freaked out as I am yet? You know that scene in muggle movies when the main character-who happens to be a really skinny girl covered in makeup wearing a nightgown-is walking towards the source of the noise in her house? And you just want to get up and tell her that she's the dumbest person alive for going towards what she should be running away from. Well I'm living it. I'm following the creepiest person I've ever met (yes…he's creepier than the guy who owned the other shop) deep into the bowels of an unknown room.

It's a shame that there's no background music to this. Oh lord, he stopped. Well, if I'm about to die, I just want the world to know how grateful I am for-WOW! He was right. That _is _perfect. I wish you could see it! It's a silver chain with a red and black yin-yang as a pendant. But around the pendant there's a snake with emeralds for eyes. It's gorgeous! Plus it's kind of symbolic too. It shows that we complete each other because there's, metaphorically speaking of course, a little bit of me in him and a little bit of him in me. In our hearts, you dirty morons. And it costs...37 Galleons, 7 sickles. That's expensive; it's almost all I've got. Oh well, I don't mind being broke for the rest of the year. No biggie, because it's for such a good cause.

-''Umm, sir? I'll be taking-''

-''That one. Yes I know.'' Okay, am I ever glad that's done or what! And now I can go back to Hogwarts where I'll be safe from the creepy storekeepers that seem to be taking over Hogsmeade. And so I can unfreeze my toes.

Hn, it's already eight o'clock. Curfew is in an hour, but what do I care? It's the bloody holidays, screw them if they actually punish me.

I wonder what Sirius is doing right now...Probably writing to his friends how I tricked him into studying with me. Am I really that bad a person? I mean, for people to hate me before they know me, I must be. Sirius is a pure, 100 Gryffindor, and Gryffindors are legendary for their ability to only like ''good'' people, ergo that makes me an all around horrible person. And it also means that all those times that we fought or got into an argument about anything, I was wrong to retaliate, however poorly. But that's all in the past now. They've been steadily leaving me alone more and I can only hope that this will be the holiday that changes the famous James Potter into a mature responsible young man. Which the opposite of what he currently is, so I admit, I am asking for a bit too much. But he's had that crush on Evans and no matter how many times people tell him that she hates him cause he's an immature bully, he won't change. But that doesn't matter as I am not here to discuss Potter's oh-so-lame love life. I need to decide what exactly I'm doing tomorrow. There's so much to plan, so much to think about! Like how do I do my hair and what am I going to wear? And I guess we'll decide what we're studying tomorrow, tomorrow.

So let's start with the basics: What am I going to wear? Normally, seeing as we're going to be studying, not 'hanging out', I would wear my school robes. But it is vacation and I'd be so much more comfortable in muggle clothes(Yes...**I **have muggle clothes. Just don't tell my parents, but there's a really cool shop on the far end of Hogsmeade that was built to make muggleborn children more comfortable with their surroundings. They've got ''Everything Muggle'' as their logo states. Ironically enough it's run by wizards.) So I'll wear my black jeans with my red sleeveless top. Mmmm...comfy.

And what do I do about my hair? I could leave it down, but that's what I always do, so I'll just tie it up and leave a few strands sown so that i don't look too different or bizarre.

And what about odour? Well that came out weird, I'm not trying to explain, but suffice it to say that I'll brew something containing lilac beforehand. I love the smell of lilac, but it'll also calm the heck out of me.

And should I wear makeup? AH! NO! What the deuce am I saying? I don't even own makeup, let alone know how to put any on! Man that was a scary thought. What the Hell is wrong with me? Oh, wait. I know exactly what's wrong with me...I'm in love. Deeply, madly, truly. Or maybe I'm one of those obsessive teenagers who pick one person and become insanely infatuated with them and never leave them out of their sights. But I doubt it. I'm not _insanely _infatuated with him, am I? Just enough for it to still be healthy. Even better than healthy actually, everything about me has gotten better since I discovered I loved him; my hair is silky, my skin is by no means tanned, but at least I don't look like the Crypt keeper anymore. I'm no longer a walking skeleton, my teeth are perfectly straight and white and my hands aren't stained by the random potion ingredients I handle on a regular basis. And it hasn't affected my marks or my homework.

The only part of this that scares me is that I've started smiling all the time and I hum to myself in the shower (hey, at least I can sing). That and the fact that I try to style my hair about 20 different ways before always deciding on the same one every morning.

But hey, that's love, right?


	11. Chapter 11

Hello all! I can't remember the last time I updated so I'll just assume that it was quite a while ago and apologize for my tardiness with an update! Unfortunately I don't think that this is one of my best chapters, mostly because it's in Sirius' p.o.v. and I just don't identify with his character as well as I do Severus'. I hope it's ok…or at least acceptable.

And, of course, I thank all of my reviewers for your support and I'm glad that at least some of you are enjoying what you're reading.

Sirius' P.O.V.

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I get to hang out (well sort of) with Severus in… five hours! Yeah, it's five o'clock in the morning. But I can't sleep! Did I mention the 3 cups of coffee I chugged down before leaving the kitchens three hours ago? And it's time to start getting ready anyway. Like for starters, we're going to be studying so I need my books. Except that my books are all beaten up and now Remmy's not here to lend me his, so… "Reparo". And now they're not. Now…why didn't I do that four months ago? Anyway, now I have to remove all of the SS+SB forever and all the hearts I wrote on them. Once I had to convince James and the guys that the 'SS' stood for Sophia Stord; some random Hufflepuff girl that I once heard of. I'm going to have to thank Remus for that eraser he got for me for Christmas. With it you can "Erase everything, even your enemies".

So, now my books are clean and shiny and it's time to move onto my clothes. I could wear my school robes like Severus will surely be doing, but when have I ever conformed to what other people do? I would much prefer to wear those muggle pants that James bought and I 'stole' from him that are too big for me so in my opinion fit perfectly. And I have my simple black top that goes really well with those pants. Okay, clothes are settled. And that's it. I guess. I think…maybe…maybe not.

Well, let's look back at our previous encounter and see what went wrong. Actually now that I think about it, what went right? It was horrible and awkward and I turned into a bumbling idiot. I have to prepare some stuff to say, I never got so tongue twisted around girls. Then again, that's probably because I'm gay; I just didn't know it then. Is that really it? I get nervous around Severus because he's a guy. Then I just have to pretend that he's a girl. Problem solved.

Argh! It's already 6 o'clock! What do I have left to do? Ummm...shower. Okay, going, going, gone. Holy shit, I just realized that I'm seventeen and I'm in love for the first time. After all of the times that I said those three sacred words, I'm really going to mean it this time. Because I _am _going to tell him. Some day. I can't keep all of this locked up inside forever; it'll drive me insane.

Mmmm…this soap smells good. I love having a Prefect for a best friend. And they get fluffier towels than we do! I uh…I have a slight towel obsession. I can't help it, I love fluffy towels. Oh shut up! Alright, here we are: muggle jeans and t-shirt. They fit perfectly as usual.

They should be serving the 'early bird' breakfast right about now. It's seven o'clock. Bite me; I like long showers along with my fluffy towels. So the remainder of the plan is breakfast, brush teeth, check hair, get books and head on down to the library. With an hour and a half's worth of time to spare. Oh well, it'll give me time to get to know a bit of whatever we'll be working on as I do NOT want to look like a complete retard in front of Severus. Oh the horror, studying during the blessed holidays. It should be illegal (or as Remmy would say, I should have already done my studying if I wanted to have a work free vacation). But let's not forget that it's for a good cause. No actually, it's for a great cause.

So, what's for breakfast this fine morning? A nice bowl of cereal and a tall glass of orange juice, for starters of course. And after that I'll have some eggs and potatoes and a nice fruit salad to top everything off. What? I'm a growing boy and growing boys need lots of food.

I love the Great Hall. Due to its penury of students during the holiday, they've replaced the four huge tables with one smaller round one. And they decorated the entire room with Christmas trees and ornaments and instead of having snowflakes fall from the charmed ceiling, they have flakes of gold. It's amazing, and I'm the only one here! Apart from Dumbledore that is. And we're about to be three people as the enormous wooden doors are opening. Yes! It's my love! I mean Severus, yes, just Severus. At least he's not likely to notice me as he has his nose buried in a book. Always so eager to learn…I wish I was more like that. Oh damn, I think Dumbledore's been talking to me.

-"…win the Quidditch Cup this year?"

"Um…I'm not too sure, sir. But my congratulations to whoever does." I guess that was a good answer because his eyes are twinkling even more than they usually do and he's nodding at me. Man that guy freaks me out sometimes (and just as a side comment, I was banned from the Quidditch team after the Shack incident).

You know, I never would've guessed that Sev would be toast and orange juice kind of guy, but there he is, eating toast and drinking orange juice, yes, I'm very bored.

What if I screw up everything in library and Sev never speaks to me again?

-"You won't, and I doubt that he would stop speaking with you. He values your opinion more than you know." Dumbledore just read my mind, didn't he? NOOOOOOOOOO! I've been mind-raped! That's illegal-wait did he just say that Severus values my opinion? Argh! He's gone! He disappeared, someone kidnapped him! -Or he's finished breakfast and is currently on his way out of the Great Hall. Now I feel dumb.

-"Are you okay?"

"Ah!" What the Hell was that! Severus Snape is chuckling, at me, or more probably at my response to his question. Speaking of which: "Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? "

"Because normally people don't gawk like madman around empty rooms for no apparent reason." Hey! I had a reason! That bastard, he's not even letting me answer as he's gone back to his reading/eating. Well, I'm bored, so his reading can bloody well wait. Why is he reading now anyways? We're going to be studying in about two hours. I wonder what we'll be studyi-.

-"What do you want to study today?" Alright, now that is getting really freaky, and annoying.

-"I don't know. What do you want to study?"

"Well, I was thinking we could get Herbology and Charms out of the way first, because they've been said to be the easiest to pass. Is that alright with you?" Yeah, whatever, I don't care. Oh wait, sorry.

-"Yeah, it's fine." And now he's leaving. And now I'm all alone in this creepy tinsel filled room.

Right…well my breakfast is now cold and I have lost all appetite so I think I'm just going to go back to the Common Room and get my stuff and stay there for a bit, then I'll walk very slowly and time consumingly towards the library, and I should arrive there just on time.

I hope he doesn't grill me on what I'm already supposed to know, especially in Herbology, because I know next to nothing about plants except that they need sunlight and water…except the ones that need neither. Great, now I'm utterly nervous.

-"Blubberplank." That's our new password, not some random gibberish I just invented. Have I ever shared with you how much I adore our Common Room? No? Well, I really like it. Except that there's nothing to do here, unless you have friends with whom one can plan insane schemes and pranks. I feel so alone…

One sheep jumped over the fence. Two sheep jumped over the fence, three sheep jumped over the fence-alright that's really not working. Oh screw this; I'm going to the library. At least there I'll have something to do. And of course, Sev is going to be there! Why didn't I think of that before?

Urg! I hate moving staircases! They sound really cool at first, and the concept is awesome, but it gets really annoying when want to go somewhere and you have to wait five minutes just because the stupid thing decided to change and stay that way.

And there is the library. And there is the Severus. Well, my Severus. Still reading his potions book…only now he's also taking notes too. Awww! Isn't that just cute! And he's playing with his hair, and tapping his foot on the ground. And he's-

"What _are _you waiting for, young man? An invitation? Either get in the library or leave; don't just stand there in the doorway gawking like a fish out of water. And if you're here to cause trouble, I suggest that you leave and take your schemes with you unless you want to be the first student in Hogwarts history to get a detention on Christmas day! Do I make myself perfectly clear?" Oh god must answer. Can't move. Too scared of the evil lady. Piercing black eyes ripping my soul to shreds. Can't breathe…

"It's alright Madam Pince, he's with me. He won't be causing any trouble today. I give you my word." Ah! My saviour! Is it just me or does that incredible god-like boy always show up right when I need him the most? It's like we were meant to be.

He's got nice hands…especially when he's waiving it in front of my face like that.

"Heeelllooooo! Is anybody home?" Wow, he looks good when he's staring at me expectantly. Wow, he has really nice eyes…they capture a lot of light. Wow his lips feel REALLY good against mine. WHAT?


	12. Chapter 12

Wow, it's been…forever since I updated. I'm so sorry to everyone that was actually waiting on me to update, I feel quite bad about this-specially considering where I left off. To be honest with you, I kind of forgot that this story existed.

Ok, so since I don't remember whose reviews I answered and whose I didn't, I'm just going to thank everyone here and now for their support. And although your reviews were kind of ambiguous in terms of compliments vs. criticism, I would very much like to thank (and excuse the language) bitch/bitchiam (just for a quick answer to your review, I have read Severus Snape, Favourite Enemy. It's in my favourites…) for reminding me that this story does indeed need an update. I hope you like the newest addition, and I hope that the next update won't take as long.

And one more thing, I just re-read what I had previously written, and I realized that I really had forgotten more than half of it, so if this chapter is completely out of synch, just tell me and I'll re-write it. That and when I originally wrote this I really was in Sev's predicament, and now I'm not so…we'll see how this turns out…

Chapter 12 (at last)

Severus' p.o.v.

You know how people say that there are some situations for which you cannot gage your own reaction until you are living them? Well, usually when they say that they are referring to 'life or death' situations, but I find that it applies much more to situations of love. Or at least in hindsight I do. How many hours, would you say, have I spent fantasizing, picturing, wondering what it would be like to kiss the gorgeous Sirius Black? Countless hours. I think about it whenever I can during the day and dream about it every night. But it doesn't matter _when_ I think about it. What matters is how I picture it.

The place changes, the time of day, or night, what we're wearing, how he tastes, how he feels. But they don't matter either. It's the reaction. Whether our imaginary kiss is accidental, planned, or a complete surprise to both of us, one thing never changes in any of my visions- our reactions. He _always_ holds me and sighs. I always let myself be held and grin. We snuggle together for a few moments, and then it's done. (Then there's the second, third, fourth…)

I said that love was the worst situation if you're trying to gage your reaction. It is. I know that some of you won't believe me; I don't care. Mere minutes ago (or was it hours, days? It certainly feels like it's been that long) I was standing in the doorway of the library, face to face with none other than my love. I wish I could tell you that I didn't remember the context because if the mind-blowing wonderfulness of what happened next, but that would be lying, and I am not here to lie.

He had just arrived, half an hour early at that, for our first study session. Madame Pince was yelling at him something fierce for having stood in the doorway for too long, and I felt that it was my duty to save the poor fellow. No one deserves to be on the receiving end of one of _those_ glares (well, maybe Malfoy). Once she was satisfied that he would not wreck havoc (she threatened him with detention, on Christmas Day, DETENTION!!! Crazy, crazy lady…) Sirius kind of zoned out. Completely. So I waved my hand in front of his eyes to grab his attention and drag it back down to Earth. It worked, though not in the way I was expecting. He grabbed my shoulders, not roughly, but hard enough to keep me in place, and, well, he kissed me full on the lips.

Needless to say, I was in shock. My body took control while my brain came to terms with what had happened. Let's just say that I know now why I instinctively never let my brain go on vacation- I do stupid things when I don't think. I mean REALLY stupid things. And to top it all off, I don't know my own strength. In fact until now I didn't actually think I _had_ any strength, but I just proved myself wrong.

Before I had time to kiss back, well, two things happened at once. He pulled back as if realizing what he had done, and I slapped him across the face. The two put together sent him stumbling through the threshold of the library, and left just enough room for me to take off. Now, what was it that I was saying about gauging reactions?

I must have realized about halfway down the corridor that I had just destroyed the most wonderful moment of my life. That thought only made me run faster. I think that, for nothing more than a millisecond, I might have considered taking a walk to the Astronomy Tower, if you know what I mean.

I suppose that it's easy for me to say that I shouldn't let my instincts take over now that the ordeal is through, but as I ran from the only thing I've ever truly desired, letting my mind shut down was the best thing I could offer myself.

Tears blurred my vision, causing something akin to a Muggle abstract painting to fill my line of sight, and suddenly, a very small part of me managed to be glad about the sleepless nights when I would run from our resident caretaker who had undoubtedly just caught me in the library after hours. I know just about every twist and turn this castle has to offer.

I followed my legs, I don't think that they were taking me anywhere, but I had to keep running. I don't believe I've ever run so hard in all my life. My chest is still burning from the exertion.

I ran, and ran, and ran. And suddenly, I skidded to a halt. It took me a while to realize why, and then it hit me like a bludger to the head. I had nowhere to go, and yet I had everywhere at my disposal. I was neither running from something (at least not anymore, I had long outrun any followers), nor was I running towards anything. And this is where I am now: unsure about where to go, what to do, or why to do it. I don't even know what to think.

_He_ kissed _me_. I did not kiss him. He initiated contact. So that means that he wanted contact, and you only ever want contact like that from people you like, so he must like me. Right?

Oh, Lord, what have I done? I've ruined everything! All of this, all the changes I made, the hair, the teeth, the skin, it was all for absolutely _nothing_.

Oh no! Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, NO! Argh- breathe goddammit! It wasn't all for nothing, some of it was for me. I enjoy the changes. I don't hate myself as much every time I look in the mirror in the morning. Heck- I bother to look in the mirror every morning, and even _that's_ an improvement.

It's strange though. Everything has gone up in flames, but I can't feel my heart shattering. My entire body doesn't feel like it's being crushed under every single cauldron in Juniper's supply closet (and trust me, that's a _lot_ of cauldrons-I had detention in there once and had to clean them all) like it already has with this boy. Maybe I was just exaggerating the last times. Maybe there is no pain. They say to always follow your heart, that your heart will always lead you right, especially in terms of love. This shouldn't be an exception. Maybe I can't feel any pain because everything I have, or might have had with Sirius is dead, and there is no pain in death.

That thought _does_ hurt. It hurts a lot. I think that I can't feel the pain of us (there _never_ was an 'us', remember?) dying because the pain of loving him is still my dominant emotion. I fear that it will be forever. I _do_ still love him, just as much as I did before, if not more.

The air feels like it's being sucked out of the hall, making it hard to breath again. I feel dizzy; I think I need air.

There's a door to my right and I swear it wasn't there before, but we aren't on the seventh floor, so it can't be the Room of Requirements. But who knows, maybe there's more than one Come-and-Go Room in the school. That would make sense, wouldn't it? With so many students in one building, there's bound to be two students needing such a room at the same time eventually.

So it's decided, I have nowhere to go and I need to calm the panic that's threatening to burst out of me at any given moment, so I'll go into the second Room of Requirements and see exactly what it is that I require.

Ouch! That is one _hot_ doorknob! It's bloody scalding. OK, door is open, let's see…

Sirius' p.o.v.

If Remus were here, he'd know what to do down to the last detail. He could tell me what to say, when to say it, what to do, when to do it. Heck, he'd probably even offer to role-play to see if I can say it right. Whatever 'it'is…

Well, Remus isn't here, so I've decided to be him for a few minutes. Hmm, I would most certainly begin by telling myself that I screwed up big time, but since that's already well established and I want a course of action ready as soon as possible, I'll skip that.

Next I would probably tell myself to go over the situation or dilemma or whatnot and pick out what went wrong. Well that's fairly straight foreword: I kissed him. And then Remmy would look at me expectantly –you know, eyebrows raised, lips pinched together as of stopping himself from saying something, nose slightly crinkled- and I would have to come up with a more suitable answer. OK, let's think this through.

He was fine until I kissed him, which means that it _is_ the kiss itself that freaked him out. Maybe I should stop being Remus for a second and try to see things from Sev's perspective. If someone I considered to be my worst enemy-THAT'S IT!

I'm looking at this completely wrong! Just last year, this would have been the right way to think, even maybe just last month, but not now. Last year were really were worst enemies, I hated him and he hated me. But now I don't hate him, and even just that makes everything different. And when I think about it, I don't think that he hates me either. I mean, do you offer to study with someone you hate?

Maybe he wanted to be friends, or not even friends, acquaintances would do, so when Prongs and the others left, he took advantage of the fact that. If I refused, at least the odds wouldn't be so stacked against him as they usually are. So, looking at what happened from the point of view of someone who isn't my worst enemy, well, what would _you_ think if someone you barely knew came up to you and kissed you, without your consent?

ARGH!! I keep starting from the wrong point! I _do_ know him. In fact I know him better than I know some of my friends. I may not know silly things like what his favourite colour is and what subject he likes best (then again, I give myself three guesses and two don't count…), but I know him. I know that he curls up into a ball when he's hurt (not so sure I like knowing that one though), I know that he's claustrophobic and doesn't like bright lights, I know that he hums to himself when he looses track of what he's doing, and the list goes on. But I still don't know what to think.

Ok, time to backtrack. What would Remus say to do? Umm…gather my thoughts and rectify what I've screwed up- more loquaciously phrased of course, but the general message is still there.

So, I need to think about- oh! Screw thinking! I just need to find Severus and get everything out in the open. And I can't forget to tell him that if he wants to be friends or just not enemies, it's cool too (even though it's not…well it is, but it's not, but it is, but- AHH!!).

Now, if I were Severus Snape, where would I run to after having the life scared out of me? The library? Nope, too obvious. The Astronomy Tower? Nope, he's afraid of heights.

'Do you not have a map of everyone inside this castle?' AH! I refuse to be going crazy!! Who- Dumbledore's walking away from me; it couldn't have been him, could it? Well he _does_ seem to have a creepily ubiquitous presence.

But of course! Dumbledore or not, it was right! I _do_ have a map of everyone in the school!

What's with stupid me and putting important stuff at the BOTTOM of my bag? Here we are.

'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.' Super genius password (my idea-woot!!).

Severus, Severus, Severus, where are you…aha! There- hey! Where'd he go? I swear he was there five seconds ago! Hmm…where is that? Uhh…2nd floor corridor, just past the painting of the one-eyed crocodile having tea. Got it, now it's time for me to bare my soul and hope I don't get more rejected than I already have been.


End file.
